I’m beginning to feel the immense wave of disappointment drown me in a sea I’ve been unpleasantly familiar with. If I could find enough synonyms to the word utter disappointment to write down I would have translated it into other languages and found its derives just for the fun of it. This is the sheer disappointment of a young girl that used to spend hour-long moments thinking about going back home while getting Goosebumps on the plane ride to her motherland. That would await the sweet arrival of the frisk and cold-enough air that plays with her hair the second she walks out the unclean and not-so-revolving doors of the airport. This is disappointment coming from a used-to-be eight year old that has the road bumps leading to her house imprinted in her brain so well, the same instincts refuse to leave her during her now-eighteens. Because when you live away from home for too long your heart will barge in on you a few times holding a violin on its left arm playing nostalgia and on its right pictures of family and food and faith. While your heart plays that sad violin you almost wish you were there again breathing in the cold wind and hearing your own accent spoken amongst strangers, and you open your arms so widely in that airplane, tumbling down unsettlingly but surely, arriving back to your grounds and your roots once again to only realize that your own country is not welcoming you with the same open arms at all. It crosses them in a defensive manner like a stubborn child or an aggressive middle-aged man. And all you want is to see the happy faces that used to surround you and smell the arguileh and the pine trees and all you get is people spitting on the street reminding you they don’t give a crap about the grounds you walk on, people disrespecting each other in so many different and shameful ways, waiters not willing to smile while your delicious order arrives and luggage helpers who don’t even help, that’s the first face you see, gray, tired and unhappy. People following people following people following sheep and all the farm animals in your typical zoo. This is my open-armed welcome to my beloved country. Filled with wrong decisions and terrible parenting, unwelcoming faces, ungrateful children and a usually drunk youth because they are all on pause, and now my mind gets it, like a bulb flickering yellow hovering over my head, I get why we come back here: we want to pause our busy lives for a moment so we come back to our land of pause and just wait here till we’ve caught our breaths and get back on the horse weeks later. It’s good to pause for a moment, it’s even recommended, but we do not live in one moment or one pause and life inevitably goes on. “Change is Inevitable” –StaceyAnn Chin, and for a country that refuses change and glorifies its terrible past, the only way out is the only way out: on a plane. Away from corruption, abuse and ignorance. I’ve missed my country but I haven’t missed its more than pleasant people. It’s a country at war with itself in itself on itself and all the kinds and levels of self you can imagine, laugh at the irony will you, that we all hold the same passport in our hand with the same symbol but none are willing to hold each other’s hands to symbolize the unity within that passport. None will for a long time there’s no debate on that so tell me a worse nightmare than a country not loved by its people. Disappointed citizens and disappointed mothers brothers fathers uncles and grandparents. A disappointed youth that does not get the chance to become and feel change and climb up ladders, and a disappointed old age so tired from all those years of hard work that actually never paid off, only thing left reminding of how bad they got is is probably the impact of cigarettes on their voices. Bref, it’s all always the same, it’s on pause for the people living outside, and a death-sentenced snowball for the people on the inside. Now what I miss are clean roads, tall building and respect, I miss security and law, as I miss ambition and life so very dearly because this is not fulfilling enough. So I’ll leave soon as half my people did and I know I’ll eventually be tired enough to come back for a little break before I get back on my horse again.